Things I learned while playing Mario Kart during exam season.

I'm becoming better at not crying over little things and it's a little scary because I'm loosing a huge part of who I was. I'm becoming self-aware, but in a good way. It feels like I'm exchanging bits of the self-conscious self-awareness I possessed before for a much more constructive and encouraging self-awareness and it's making me proud. I've come to realize that, truly, I am not my mistakes. I am not the bad things that have happened to me. I am my experiences and my friends and my perspectives and my values and everything that makes me happy.

I've been thinking a lot about happiness. How am I supposed to function and excel if I don't have something as basic as happiness in my life?

I must get the crucial, most basic parts of my life in order. Starting with my eating, continuing on to the way I dress and present myself, and finishing up with my study habits. It's terrifying writing about myself online and I keep thinking that I should change the words I'm saying to better fit what people would most likely like to read, but that's exactly the opposite of the purpose of this blog. I want to express, not impress (I saw this on a girl's Instagram description and it blew my mind). I've been noticing that I'm changing and I want to nurture the "blossoming". I want to let myself be free. I want to work at getting better at not caring what people think, and not doing things to impress them and start doing things to impress myself, and those I care about.

Part of my inspiration comes from a movie a friend of mine forced upon me. It was amazing and beautiful and poetic and symbolic and everything I like. I find that living in residence is great in a lot of ways, but I tend to get lost in the crowd and forget things that are really important to me. I've stopped spending time by myself, reflecting on my life and who I want to become. It's a lot harder to do constructive things when you're not constantly thinking of improving yourself and chasing the image you want to portray. Keeping an online blog is going to make my life public, but it's also going to keep me accountable.

In the past my blogs have failed because I was trying too hard to stick to the type of posts I saw on other people's blogs. But that's not what blogging is about. If I don't feel like writing a movie review when I finally set out to write one, then of course I'm not going to keep my blog updated. I don't want this to become a chore.

I'm going to try to:

• be as honest as possible
• upload pictures
• discuss movies and other media
• not restrict myself to the "type" of blog that I want to be
• switch it up when I want to without worrying about people's opinions (change is a part of life goddamnit)
• talk about my life in the grand scheme of things and not focus too much on gossip and drama, which tends to change and doesn't make anyone particularly happy

My advice to myself:

• stick to doing daily yoga (try to keep it up as much as possible)
• keep my mind active (learn something new everyday. do not be a spectator. learning is fabulous and fun and don't let yourself convince you otherwise)
• call my sisters/parents/grandparents as often as I can/want
• stop doing things I don't want to do just because I wanted to at some point (life happens in the present moment)

Now, finally on to the subject of this post: Mario Kart. It's important for me to realize that a fuckup does not define you. It is possible to get last place on one track, but still win the cup. It is possible to succeed early on, but lose the race. It is also possible to have a horrible start and end up on top. There will always be things out of your control, but you have to stay relaxed and focus all of your energy on doing the best that you can in those circumstances. It is not good to just give up because you don't think you'll get first place - other people could also be struggling, and if you continue trying you might still win. No matter how badly you mess up, just keep going. Don't spend time worrying about obstacles that you see ahead of you. If you see them, you can dodge them, so why worry? Not worrying makes you more prepared to dodge obstacles that you do not see coming.

Song I would upload if blogger had an mp3 player: "Becoming..." by Clint Mansell, from the Stoker soundtrack.

Here's a picture of my lunch from yesterday:

OneHour Cafe